Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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