We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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