Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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