I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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