what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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