i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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