i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
