He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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