you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
