You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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