it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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