the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
