Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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