We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize