come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
