Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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