woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize