I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My butt remains clenched, sir.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
