Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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