Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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