dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
