Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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