i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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