Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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