walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
