Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
