someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
