Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize