she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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