God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
