Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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