I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
