So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
