There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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