Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Alive.
So much puke
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize