i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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