Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
