Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
