Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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