The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
