I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
