I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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