dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
