I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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