I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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