This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
