What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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