Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
