I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
