It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
