Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
