omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
