Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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