through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
