I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
