Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
