I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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