and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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