we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
