why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize